(I purloined this list from YDU - thanks Tori - I thought it was just too cute to pass up)
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Look - your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat
mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let
me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a
family with those?
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deers fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words - Jim Beam.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
All the toys are made by little kids like you in
give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in
Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I
unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
P.S. Tell your mom she got the part in Long Dong Claus.
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.