Monday, June 29, 2009

Feeling blue

I just got finished reading a bit of another blog. It made me a little sad. It's a young woman living with her BF. Apparently the 'rents are pressuring them to get married.

All I can say is, "Don't do it!". Never EVER let anyone pressure you to do something so life changing. It is one of the easiest things to do and one of the hardest to UNdo.

In many ways I'll always regret getting married when I was 23. It wasn't so much my age, but I was pretty naive and immature. I just wasn't ready for it, but I did it because that is what a young woman in the south DOES, isn't it? Hrmph I say. I WASTED 12 years of my life because of that one single mistake.

Oh sure, I did love my ex...until he changed. When did he change you might ask. I knew within 24 hours (on our honeymoon) that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. He had me where he wanted me and as far as he, and many other people, was concerned I was stuck. For life. I was screwed.

Oh yeah, he actually told me that the reason he married me was because I was a fantastic cook, he wanted a maid (and live in cook), and someone he could get pussy off any time he wanted it. Yeah, those were his exact words. Charming.

Ok, I learned many things from being married. The biggest lesson I learned, though is to never, ever allow any adult (meaning parents or relatives or friends) to pressure you. Emotional Blackmail is probably the fastest way they can get you to go along with them. It isn't worth it. What if you are with the right person. But what if this just isn't the right time for either of you. You get married, you get unhappy, you get divorced OR you stay miserable for the rest of your life. Marriage should be for life. You must be certain. This is your life not theirs. They've no right to tell you what to do or try in any way to influence your decisions. They cannot live vicariously THROUGH you, either. Tell 'em to get a life and let you get on with living yours. Be free. Just be. Revel in being yourself with only yourself to answer to.

My situation is probably nothing like this woman's but the end result could be the same. Years of heartache. Oh, and once the parents figure out that their little weapon works like a charm, they'll use it anytime they want you to do something, say something, or act a certain way. Been there done that with rellies on BOTH sides, plus the ex, Mr. Not So Charming. The trifecta of guilt.

Ain't I lucky to have gotten out?


lilDdownunder said...

I tried to post a comment on here when I was up at 5am seeing Boyfriend off to work but it didn't go through. Thanks for writing a post on your reaction to my situation. It was really flattering to know someone read something on my blog and could relate to it in some way. I did want to say that neither of our parents are pressuring us in to getting married. If anything, I'm ready to get married (once I get a job and some of my own money saved up) and just waiting for Boyfriend to catch up, too. And if anything, his parents are more along the lines of even though it's going great and you've been together for 4.5 years, D should just go home (and my parents see potential in us and want Boyfriend to come back to California with me and try working there). I do agree with your thoughts on emotional blackmail and can say we didn't cave to it at this point and I'm sure that frustrated the hell out of them! We are trying to be adults and have open, adult discussions with them (and just today I called my Mom at work with some other bad news and she was supportive of me and Boyfriend and it was just what I needed then) and sometimes the responses we are getting aren't very adult in return. Anyway, sorry for the long comment. Thanks for reading my blog. I'll have to give yours a better read once I've got a bit more time :)

kitten said...

Well, I suppose that there is definitely? an upside to being 40 lol. Not one of the few reasons being that I've experienced a great many things from a bad husband to bad parents. Much as I love(d) them and as difficult as things were at times I did learn a few lessons, shed not just a few tears, and earn myself a few face lines in the process of going through it all. To be able to relate to others and feel empathy is something I'm (slowly) getting better at with age and not for the first time wish that I'd had someone around to give 1 damn enough to tell me their thoughts, though they may risk having them be unwelcome. I guess that sometimes reading about another's plight is enough to get me writing. To find that my input was a little welcome means more than you know. Being here has given me the impetus needed to grow up, put myself out there and help others if I can. That helping others bit I'm still working on and try each day keep on it. It has helped being the owner of an internet group of Americans living in Australia. Given me some perspective, if you will. I'm glad to hear you're dealing with your parents as adults, though they probably won't appreciate it til much later, as we all seem to do when everything is said and done. Good to hear your mom is being supportive, that's a huge hurdle! Take care.