Lately I've been thinking about different topics to write about and chucked them out the window when I came across a post about child abuse. Do I feel I was abused as a child? Yes and no. I suppose it depends on the day or perhaps even my mood if someone were to ask me that question. But I definitely have some issues that need to be worked through. (Please forgive the stream of consciousness style of writing, but it seems to be the only way I can get this down.)
First is what I would consider to be abuse. I was spanked many, many times for pretty much any infraction of my parents rules. Spanked hard with a leather belt, a hand, or a switch. I was spanked until I would cry, which for my dad could be 5 whacks or 50, depending on how mad he was (at least that's my guess). Then it became a battle of wills in which I refused to cry, no matter how long or hard he hit me. He said he did it because he loved me and it hurt him more that it hurt me. WTF? I was the one that ended up with bruises so bad I couldn't change clothes for PE classes. Yep, I almost failed Phys Ed classes in the 9th grade because I was spanked so often (and hard) that I was perpetually bruised from knee to neck...with occasional broken skin. This went on until they decided that grounding me was a better option. At least until I was 17 and dad decided to threaten me with a spanking and I promptly replied, "If you do, you'll end up in jail". Then walked away. He never touched me again.
By the time I was 16 or so, he resorted to verbal abuse. Pretty much a daily invocation of every single fault, whether real or imagined, that he felt I had. Once I was a senior and working after school as a waitress, so I wasn't getting home until around 11 pm or later, he would stay up and and keep me up until 2-3 am pontificating and expounding upon how horrible and disappointing a child I was. Hrmmmm, let me see. I was generally a B student, with an occasional lapse into C's and a few D's (gee, I wasn't getting any sleep, now was I). But I graduated with a B average, so I couldn't have been ALL bad, eh?
What suck is that I love my dad, but I will NEVER measure up to his standards. No matter what I do. I stayed married to a wife abuser because it was the "right thing to do". My dad's reason was that my marriage couldn't be "all that bad" since it wasn't as bad as my parents. Ahem. I'll just say a little about that for the record. My parents should have divorced when I was young, probably never gotten married. My mother put up with shit I can't even begin to think about right now. So, yeah, I married a person just like my dad and thought it was "normal"...until I finally got a clue and decided that I deserved better.
Yeah, if my dad reads this he will probably have a fit and even deny it, just like he's ALWAYS denied being an abuser. I think it's because he is insecure and has to beat everyone down to make himself feel better. One of the reasons I never wanted to have kids is because I am afraid I would do the same things to my children that my parents did to me. One has to wonder when a couple has 3 girls (like my family) and NONE of those girls wants to have children, even though they are married and capable of having them and hopefully smart enough to overcome the past.
The good thing is that I realised what was wrong with my previous marriage, and it wasn't me. My ex blamed me for everything. It got to the point where everyone believed that I was the horrible house keeper because it was easier than trying to refute it. I just got sick and tired of cleaning up after the jerk just to have the house a mess the very next day because he was so darn lazy and thought it was funny for me to pick up after him while he sat on his ass smoking weed and watching porn or leaving me at home while he went out spending my money (since he couldn't keep a job) on other women, drugs, and alcohol.
This is a sad story and unfortunately a fairly common one for many women. No matter how intelligent we are, in fact I think it's BECAUSE we are intelligent, men want to tear us down, make us feel less than what we are. Why don't they realise that if they accept us and our intelligence that it will actually enhance their lives and not make them look stupid. They are the ones that accomplish the whole "making themselves look stupid" by being abusers and taking advantage of weaker women. When I say weaker, I mean physically weaker and I'm not trying to demean anyone by that. Mostly I'm just writing from my own experience and from what I've seen with my own eyes - things that have happened to other women I know.
There's alot more to write about, but I think I'll just end this story here now. Later on I can go back and flesh out more of my childhood as I think I can handle it, this was just a demon that's been gnawing at the back of my consciousness for a while and I needed to get it out.
*Just a quick footnote, I don't want anyone to think that I'm writing this out of hatred of anyone in my family. I would never consciously do anything to hurt them. But I do need to tell my story because maybe it can help someone get out of a toxic relationship, whether it be parents, so-called friends, or a partner. Life CAN be better, no one deserves to live their life in fear and shame.