Thursday, March 15, 2007

I never thought I'd write about being raped, but here it is....

I never thought I'd talk about this on the net, not in blog form, but I guess I'm going to have to now. I just finished an excruciating one about my own abuse as a child. I was reading a blog by a wonderful girl that was having a hard time because someone in her family was being attacked on her blog because of some physical as well as mental issues related to being raped when she was younger. This prompted me to have a read and see what was going on and I started thinking about it. This is yet another “adult issue” I have had to deal with myself.

At 19 I was raped. By someone I thought to be a friend. Granted he was much older (27 to my 19) and we’d gone out on 2 dates. For our 3rd date he asked if I would like to go see an air show a couple of hours away from where we lived. Sure I wanted to go, but would we be coming back late at night, or what? He said he’d get us separate hotel rooms, but when we got there to check in, he said that there wasn’t one available, so we’d have to share. He volunteered to sleep on the sofa. Ok sure, whatever. Heck, I just wanted to go have a little fun; I figured he’d always been a gentleman so why would I think anything different this time? We went to the show and had a good time. Afterwards we went out for dinner and then to a local bar for a couple of drinks. Yes I was a minor, and yes I had a fake ID, but I wasn’t planning to have many drinks…I had 2, he had many, I lost count after 5 or 6. He said he was ready to leave and go get some sleep since we had an early checkout.

Back at the hotel, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and change into my pajamas (a long t-shirt style nightgown that came about mid-calf…with Mickey Mouse on it – not exactly sexy, ya know?). When I came out of the bathroom, I didn’t know what hit me, but I was lying face down with my face smothered in a pillow and he was on top of me, screaming, hitting me, biting me, calling all kinds of foul names….and raping me, sodomising me. I remember trying to scream, flailing about as much as I could since I was pinned down. I fought, but I wasn’t strong enough to do anything. I weighed all of 112 pounds at the time, I had no chance.

The next thing I knew, it was over. He was lying on his back passed out. I was scared and angry and hadn’t a clue as to what to do. I remember going into the shower and God only knows how long I was in there, but then I came out and dressed and walked. I walked the streets of Charleston until I found myself at The Battery and the sun was rising. I’d been wandering around for around 6 hours I guess. I walked back to the hotel, unlocked the door to the room and he was sitting there and he asked me where the hell I’d been. WTF? He supposedly had no memory of anything after dinner. I was in total shock. I didn’t know what to do, so I acted indifferent and told him to take me home. He did, we rode in total silence for 2 hours until he dropped me off. I do remember that much. The next thing I remember is finding out that I was pregnant. I’d been sick every since that day.

I had no idea what to do. I was scared and alone, my family wouldn’t have anything to do with me since I’d moved away from home and quit going to their church. I had very little money and a shitty job waitressing. I talked to a friend who knew what had happened, she’s been raped, too, and knew what I was going through. Even though she was Catholic she sent me to talk to someone about an abortion, she understood that I couldn’t stay pregnant, I couldn’t give up a child, and I couldn’t raise a child born of rape. So I went to a local clinic and had it done. So much of what happened after that is lost to me and I don’t really care to remember too much anyway since I do know that when I did tell my parents about it, they blamed me, told me I mustn’t tell anyone because it would bring shame on all of us. They didn’t want their friends to know, they refused to help me see a therapist because they don’t believe in them. It took many years before I went to one; I dealt with it on my own the only way I knew…which, of course, wasn’t very healthy, but I survived.

I’ll finish the rest of this later; I just can’t go on with the memories right now.

I am ok now, I have seen a therapist and continue to do things to deal with the memories, but they are no longer daily intrusive thoughts, thank goodness. They only come now when I read about others going through the same thing.

5 comments:

Slick said...

Wow...

Geez-us Kimmie. I know that was and is a painful experience.

Sorry.....

kitten said...

Yes it was and sometimes can be now, but generally when I think about it I get very anxious. Anxiety attacks are something that I have suffered with infrequently since about '96. I don't know if they are genetic, as my mother also used to have them, or if they are just a symptom of repression. I do have a tendency to suppress my real emotions about a situation at times, though mostly I will just suppress an entire Period of time. WHich is what happened with 1988, I just do NOT remember most of that year. From May 14 to sometime in December is all a blank. Yeah, there are specific things about that time period I do remember but the rest is all foggy.

skinnylittleblonde said...

KittenDownUnder has BallsDownUnder! ;) This experience was painful enough to live through & painful to caryy, much less share. Rape is all too common. Estimates are that 80% of the women raped never report it to any authority figures (including parents) It is an act of violence & I am so sorry that you had to endure it. I'm sure that nut-job has done it to women both before & after you. Being drunk is no excuse on his part. In fact, he probably had premeditated it. One day, he will get his. I'm also sorry for your parents old-school reaction. You are not to blame. You didn't attack him or anyone else. You did nothing to be ashamed of. I'm glad that you have pulled through & I hope that you continue to pull on. Anxiety,IMHO, is common among women...we worry, we have forethought, we tend & mend things...including ourselves & others, so anxiety is sometimes natural and normal. I think that most of the times we have anxiety...it's for a reason, we may not be able to readily identify that reason, but it is for a reason.
peace&love to you dear kitten!

kitten said...

SLB: THanks so much. I'm not so sure it's balls that made me write about it, but thanks for that *grin*. Luckily, I have found a way to deal with it that works for me and I suppose that's what matters most. I have been doing a great deal of soul searching lately and this is just one of the many things that has come up. I don't wan't my blog to be painful for anyone to read, nor do I want it be a big downer, but I do feel compelled to write about the things that help me put the "fun" in dysfunctional some days. I think the many things that have happened in my life have made me the person that I am today; Plagued by insecurities and self-doubt I will continue to seek affirmation through others and I do know this about myself and work daily on being able to not need that to feel good about myself.

skinnylittleblonde said...

I will continue to seek affirmation through others This is what makes us the social humans that we are...otherwise we would all be emotionally-detached & narcistic.
I, like you, try to keep my blog more upbeat, but it's grounding to get a glimpse every now and again of the darker side. Lord knows, our lives are indeed full-color and that does include more than just the bright cheery side of things. In a way, the darker stuff makes the color-wheel of who we are more balanced! ;)
As Always~ P&L