Friday, November 03, 2006

Wax is NOT your friend

Ok, I am seriously thinking that tonight and tomorrow are going to be funny. Want to know why? Well, I'll tell you why. I bought some Nads hair removal stuff. C~ is going to help me wax everything. Yep, that's right....EVERYTHING! I am going to start off tonight by using the exfoliant on my legs and "good girl". Tonight we are going to use it on my underarms. It's all the rage here, getting ones armpits waxed. I am so sick and tired of shaving. I've had my eyebrows waxed, yeah it hurts, but what the hell.

I also told C~ that, of course, since he was going to be the one doing it, we may as well go for it all completely and I want a Brazilian wax too. I couldn't stand for a complete stranger to do it, so I'm going to make HIM do it! LOL

Anyway, back to Nads. I found a complete kit that has a little bit of all of their products in it and the cotton strips are washable, so hopefully I will be brave enough to do this again. Think I may need a daquiri before we start. Guess we will have to do it in the afternoon *wink* However, the funny thing about this is that recently I received an email from a friend about doing this very thing. Whoever thought this thing up should be given a Comedy Award of some kind. It is truly hilarious. Sooo, Over to the copied and pasted version of my friends' email.

CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed till I almost cried as I

could just see this happening! (And feel it too!)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind
for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart
and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right
off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I
am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I
apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the
right half of my *whoo-whoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt
cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning,
I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think
I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me
so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on
it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming
of a cell door. "whoo-whoo*? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out
what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water
melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse
the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax?

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put
in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my
butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where
the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I
should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off
with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to
lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It’s sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could

have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now that’s funny ........


montchan said...

And that is precisely why I will let the professionals do it. Pray for me!

montchan said...

By the way, how's your who-ha????

harharharhar... mwahahahahah...

kitten said...

My who-ha is just fine, especially since I didn't do anything to it... LOL! I have opted to have a professional do everything. Nads sucks, it barely ripped a few hairs out of my leg! And that stuff was invented by hairy Lebanese women? How the heck do THEY get it to work is what I'd like to know!